Holy cow. What a whirl-wind of a week it is going to be. Lots of decision making happened over the weekend and well, I am pretty damn pumped right now. The prospect of a surgical job came up and I have decided to jump on it. I will be moving back to the Austin area to start off and my intent is to end up down in the Houston Area.
This week will be spent packing, tying up loose ends and getting out of here. I am not sure how much I will get done today but, I am going to try to get all the laundry done and at least all the clothes packed. I was looking in my closet yesterday. Holy wow, I have more clothes than any one person should have. LOL I am going to take all the blankets to the laundry mat to wash because they would take forever to do here at home. I need to go buy boxes and make a move. Let's do this.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Jobs!
Boy,
There are jobs everywhere but everyone wants you to have a year of experience. I couldn't imagine the kind of future I would have if I had not passed my CST exam. It would suck. Because on top of finding a year, they all want the certification. It is not mandatory but highly desired.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This job search seems very unsettling right now. Ugh.
There are jobs everywhere but everyone wants you to have a year of experience. I couldn't imagine the kind of future I would have if I had not passed my CST exam. It would suck. Because on top of finding a year, they all want the certification. It is not mandatory but highly desired.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This job search seems very unsettling right now. Ugh.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A New day and a New year. (Long)
June 13, 2009 will be a day that I will never forget. It started off like most normal days tho, this day was never going to be the same. I got up and was starting to get ready for work. I wanted so desperately for today to be just another day. I knew it wouldn't but I tried. I got dressed and pretended like I was going to work. I needed to go to work. I WANTED to go to work. The truth is, my life sucked and honestly, I wanted to die and to be frank, I was fairly certain that today was going to be just that day.
I got in my car and headed down I-25 - I came up to Surrey Ridge and started to swerve my car off the side of the road. I figured it would be the quickest way to go. A tumble down the side of a cliff. Rolling and hoping that my neck would snap and it would be done. I know this sounds morbid but, I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. The man of my dreams didn't want to be with me any longer. I couldn't find a job, I was living in my brothers basement, my big kids lived 950 miles away, I didn't think that I really had anything to smile about. I didn't. Then I heard a voice in my head. A teacher of mine who stated (just the week before) if someone could actually kill themselves, they have enough determination to be President. If you can kill yourself, really, you can do anything. Could I really do anything? I didn't think so but, was this really what I wanted to do to my kids and family. Of course not. Call me a chicken. I don't care. I couldn't do it. What I did do, turned my life around for the better. I drove down to the bottom of the hill and checked myself into Highlands Behavioral Health where I spent the next five days learning about myself, my new Bi-Polar II diagnosis and figuring out what I could do for me to make life right again. I wish I knew.
At HBH, I learned a lot of cool things. I made a lot of friends. I found people who were like me. Nothing to live for. Mental Health Diagnosis. I learned that I didn't have to do this alone. There was nothing wrong with me. The fact that someone didn't want me was their loss and not mine. I didn't do anything wrong and if HE couldn't tell me why he didn't love me anymore, that was a problem within himself, not something with me. And even if it WAS something with me, he should have been man enough to tell me what was wrong. I learned anger skills, coping mechanisms and how to deal with life. Just because I didn't have a lot, doesn't mean I don't have anything. It was going to be a long road but I was going to get there tho at this time, I had little hope.
I came to a cross roads with living with my brother and things were tense there so, I decided that I needed to get out of his house. It was not a productive place for me and I needed to figure something else out. I didn't know what but, I reached out to Highlands and they gave me a list of options. I went with Sacred Heart House. A shelter for single moms with kids. It probably wasn't the greatest idea I had but, it was all I had for now. It was not a bad place. I had my own room and bathroom. I could stay there for 30 days. I had a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it. I had to be out of the shelter every morning at 8am and could return no earlier than 4. It was the dead of summer and so warm. School had been back in session for 5 days and I needed to get back. I went in to work out the details of starting back. I was told plain and simply, I was not going to be allowed back. I had already missed 5 days of school, far past what was allowed. The next class was not to start again until November (it is only June), a set back I was not yet ready for. I lost it. I had to again dust myself off and figure out what I was going to do. I started going to the Mental Health Center of Denver seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. I started to take a Anger Management Class. I found a place called The Gathering Place. They fed my daughter and I breakfast and lunch every day. We found lots of things to do during the day. I looked for a job, housing and ways to keep ourselves busy. After about 2 weeks of being in the shelter, I was approached by the director who asked me if I was interested in joining their housing program. They only have 6 locations but one was open and they saw with my drive and determination I was a perfect candidate for the program. My rent would only be 30% of my income which worked well because 30% of nothing was.....nothing! One thing off of my list of things to do. No longer looking for housing, Yeah! I still needed a job. Was seeing my therapist 1 time per week and my psychiatrist once a month. I was on Lithium and fairing well. Lithium gave me ZERO emotion. I didn't get excited about anything but, I didn't really get sad about anything either. I guess it was good. It served its purpose for the time I needed it. My therapist felt that working was probably not in my best interest at this time so, she wrote me off from work. I was a little upset about that but, I understood.
I left the shelter on July 17 and moved into my new home. A cute 2 bedroom townhouse in Southeast Denver. I love it! For the next few months, all I did was work on me. It was hard. Dealing with no more school, dealing with the loss of a person that meant the world to me, dealing with my bi-polar, dealing with my children, just dealing with life on a day to day basis seemed so hard. I knew if I wanted to make strides with my life, I needed to just survive every day. I did. My life was Therapy, anger management, medication and smile. Not a routine I wanted but dealt with it.
On November 9, I started back to school. A day that I was so waiting for, for 5 months. I walked into the classroom only to feel like an outcast in a new school. 11 of the 13 students that were in my class had been together for the last 6 months. They new each other. I was like an outsider trying to fit into some clique I was not welcome too. I had Jourdan, my saving grace. As time went on, things got better with the classmates, just not my instructor. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown the first 2 weeks of returning. I waited so long to come back but was now not sure if I had come back too soon. Maybe I should have waited a little longer. I didn't know. I knew I had it in me to finish, I just didn't know where to search for her. In time, I would find her. The next couple of weeks proved good. On Thanksgiving day, after 5 months of Lithium, I was ready to come off of it. Most did not think that it was a good idea but, my Psychiatrist agreed to allow a trial and since I told her that I was not stopping because I didn't want to be on meds just that I didn't feel this one was working any more, she said ok. I have a stash of lithium in my Kitchen and if at any time I feel like I need to start it again, I will but to date, I have never felt better.
I struggled a bit over the holidays. My father died on Christmas day in 1990 and it has always been a troubled time but, I got thru it. I just kept plugging along. I finished with the didactic portion of my schooling on February 24. I failed my check offs and had to re-mediate. My second check-off was such a disaster, I was SURE I failed (this is a COMMON feeling for me!) Alas, tho I didn't do well, I was passed thru and told I had made a lot of improvements and that I was ready to move on to the Clinical portion of schooling. I started on March 8, 2010 and ended on June 3, 2010. It was a wonderful experience. As you know, on Monday June 7, 2010, I took the hardest test of my life. My National Certification Board Exam. Over the course of the week, I came to terms that I did not do well on this exam and that I would have to study hard over the course of the next six weeks and re-take it as soon as I could. Statistics show that people do better if they take the exam within 3 months of graduation. On Friday I found out that I passed my exam. The proudest moment of my life.
All this which leads me up to today is....I can not believe all that I have been thru. I have had my heart broken, and stepped on. I wanted nothing more than to die, I wanted to educate myself. I wanted to find housing and stand on my own two feet. I just wanted the old Lesa back. I just wanted to live a normal life. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to be in love. I just wanted to be normal.
Today - I am not all of those things. But I am getting there. I love life. I love me. I love who I am, where I am going and where I have been. Life is good. Its hard to believe a year ago today I wanted nothing more than to die and today, I want nothing more than to live!
Life is good and God is even Better!
I got in my car and headed down I-25 - I came up to Surrey Ridge and started to swerve my car off the side of the road. I figured it would be the quickest way to go. A tumble down the side of a cliff. Rolling and hoping that my neck would snap and it would be done. I know this sounds morbid but, I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. The man of my dreams didn't want to be with me any longer. I couldn't find a job, I was living in my brothers basement, my big kids lived 950 miles away, I didn't think that I really had anything to smile about. I didn't. Then I heard a voice in my head. A teacher of mine who stated (just the week before) if someone could actually kill themselves, they have enough determination to be President. If you can kill yourself, really, you can do anything. Could I really do anything? I didn't think so but, was this really what I wanted to do to my kids and family. Of course not. Call me a chicken. I don't care. I couldn't do it. What I did do, turned my life around for the better. I drove down to the bottom of the hill and checked myself into Highlands Behavioral Health where I spent the next five days learning about myself, my new Bi-Polar II diagnosis and figuring out what I could do for me to make life right again. I wish I knew.
At HBH, I learned a lot of cool things. I made a lot of friends. I found people who were like me. Nothing to live for. Mental Health Diagnosis. I learned that I didn't have to do this alone. There was nothing wrong with me. The fact that someone didn't want me was their loss and not mine. I didn't do anything wrong and if HE couldn't tell me why he didn't love me anymore, that was a problem within himself, not something with me. And even if it WAS something with me, he should have been man enough to tell me what was wrong. I learned anger skills, coping mechanisms and how to deal with life. Just because I didn't have a lot, doesn't mean I don't have anything. It was going to be a long road but I was going to get there tho at this time, I had little hope.
I came to a cross roads with living with my brother and things were tense there so, I decided that I needed to get out of his house. It was not a productive place for me and I needed to figure something else out. I didn't know what but, I reached out to Highlands and they gave me a list of options. I went with Sacred Heart House. A shelter for single moms with kids. It probably wasn't the greatest idea I had but, it was all I had for now. It was not a bad place. I had my own room and bathroom. I could stay there for 30 days. I had a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it. I had to be out of the shelter every morning at 8am and could return no earlier than 4. It was the dead of summer and so warm. School had been back in session for 5 days and I needed to get back. I went in to work out the details of starting back. I was told plain and simply, I was not going to be allowed back. I had already missed 5 days of school, far past what was allowed. The next class was not to start again until November (it is only June), a set back I was not yet ready for. I lost it. I had to again dust myself off and figure out what I was going to do. I started going to the Mental Health Center of Denver seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. I started to take a Anger Management Class. I found a place called The Gathering Place. They fed my daughter and I breakfast and lunch every day. We found lots of things to do during the day. I looked for a job, housing and ways to keep ourselves busy. After about 2 weeks of being in the shelter, I was approached by the director who asked me if I was interested in joining their housing program. They only have 6 locations but one was open and they saw with my drive and determination I was a perfect candidate for the program. My rent would only be 30% of my income which worked well because 30% of nothing was.....nothing! One thing off of my list of things to do. No longer looking for housing, Yeah! I still needed a job. Was seeing my therapist 1 time per week and my psychiatrist once a month. I was on Lithium and fairing well. Lithium gave me ZERO emotion. I didn't get excited about anything but, I didn't really get sad about anything either. I guess it was good. It served its purpose for the time I needed it. My therapist felt that working was probably not in my best interest at this time so, she wrote me off from work. I was a little upset about that but, I understood.
I left the shelter on July 17 and moved into my new home. A cute 2 bedroom townhouse in Southeast Denver. I love it! For the next few months, all I did was work on me. It was hard. Dealing with no more school, dealing with the loss of a person that meant the world to me, dealing with my bi-polar, dealing with my children, just dealing with life on a day to day basis seemed so hard. I knew if I wanted to make strides with my life, I needed to just survive every day. I did. My life was Therapy, anger management, medication and smile. Not a routine I wanted but dealt with it.
On November 9, I started back to school. A day that I was so waiting for, for 5 months. I walked into the classroom only to feel like an outcast in a new school. 11 of the 13 students that were in my class had been together for the last 6 months. They new each other. I was like an outsider trying to fit into some clique I was not welcome too. I had Jourdan, my saving grace. As time went on, things got better with the classmates, just not my instructor. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown the first 2 weeks of returning. I waited so long to come back but was now not sure if I had come back too soon. Maybe I should have waited a little longer. I didn't know. I knew I had it in me to finish, I just didn't know where to search for her. In time, I would find her. The next couple of weeks proved good. On Thanksgiving day, after 5 months of Lithium, I was ready to come off of it. Most did not think that it was a good idea but, my Psychiatrist agreed to allow a trial and since I told her that I was not stopping because I didn't want to be on meds just that I didn't feel this one was working any more, she said ok. I have a stash of lithium in my Kitchen and if at any time I feel like I need to start it again, I will but to date, I have never felt better.
I struggled a bit over the holidays. My father died on Christmas day in 1990 and it has always been a troubled time but, I got thru it. I just kept plugging along. I finished with the didactic portion of my schooling on February 24. I failed my check offs and had to re-mediate. My second check-off was such a disaster, I was SURE I failed (this is a COMMON feeling for me!) Alas, tho I didn't do well, I was passed thru and told I had made a lot of improvements and that I was ready to move on to the Clinical portion of schooling. I started on March 8, 2010 and ended on June 3, 2010. It was a wonderful experience. As you know, on Monday June 7, 2010, I took the hardest test of my life. My National Certification Board Exam. Over the course of the week, I came to terms that I did not do well on this exam and that I would have to study hard over the course of the next six weeks and re-take it as soon as I could. Statistics show that people do better if they take the exam within 3 months of graduation. On Friday I found out that I passed my exam. The proudest moment of my life.
All this which leads me up to today is....I can not believe all that I have been thru. I have had my heart broken, and stepped on. I wanted nothing more than to die, I wanted to educate myself. I wanted to find housing and stand on my own two feet. I just wanted the old Lesa back. I just wanted to live a normal life. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to be in love. I just wanted to be normal.
Today - I am not all of those things. But I am getting there. I love life. I love me. I love who I am, where I am going and where I have been. Life is good. Its hard to believe a year ago today I wanted nothing more than to die and today, I want nothing more than to live!
Life is good and God is even Better!
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