BLAR!

So, today is not starting off to be a very great day. I got an email from HR saying that I didn't get the job I was so hoping for. WTF. Whatev~ I just keep plugging along. This new grad shit is so sucky. I have seriously applied for, called on, followed up with over 100 employers and nothing - 1 interview. It will come. I know I have to be patient but on days like today, I want to punch someones face in, not be patient.

Trying Week!

I can't believe that I have been here about 10 days already and I lost a my debit card that has all of my spending money and my bank is in Denver. I am such a knob. I wonder how I made it to be 38? Anyway, things have been a bit crazy and hectic here and I think that I want to scream but for the most part, I am getting by. I wanted to be moved into an apt by now but with this little money debacle, it will be put off a bit. No worries. I am just plugging along. Toria is going to camp 4 days a week and it gives me 3 hours every day to have some me time which is really nice. I am going crazy waiting for this job to come thru but, I will survive. They said this week and well, there is only one more day left in the week so.....the clock ticks on!

I am having a lot of fun visiting with old friends and family. We got to spend a couple of nights in Tacoma with Toria's Grandpa which was super nice. I visited with friends from days gone LONG past! Here in Portland, I get to see my sister almost every day. That is super nice. I think I have seen her more in the last 10 days than I have in the last 10 years! And my best friend Christa of 30 years lives close to me too! I see her a lot also. As a matter of fact, I am going over to her house to drop off Toria tonight!! =) Toria and I have been doing a lot of fun stuff. We went to the Columbia river, Mount St. Helen's (AWESOME) we have been in 6 states in the last 2 weeks and done a lot of site seeing! =) I have a ton of photos to upload but I don't have internet at home so, those will have to wait!

I have been given the opportunity to work as a Child Care provider for a special needs little girl named Jada. She is cute as can be and her family is super. The problem is, that job is in Avondale, AZ and obviously not in the Surgical field. It would be temporary until 2 things, I get a job and they find a permanent provider for her. I was beaming when I was approached. I feel being entrusted with someone elses child is the biggest blessing someone can bestow on you. What an honor. What a gesture of trust!

Well, I don't have internet at home which really stinks but, I have been coming to the library filling out job aps and playing on facebook. The library here gives you 2 hours a day which is super. Anyway, life is good and hopefully things will pick up in a few minutes. I want that job =)

Last Packing Day.

OMG - It is 650am and I HAVE to be done TODAY. I fear this won't happen. I have so much stuff to get done. This morning alone I have to go to Hobby Lobby, Walmart, target, Bed bath and beyond, The Gathering Place and then to the Mental Health Center of Denver. That is just the out of the house stuff that I have to do. I have to finish the rest of the stuff inside. Most of the stuff will seem not so overwhelming once the person who is taking the last of the big stuff gets here. I think that will help.

Oh goodness, I am having an anxiety attack over this whole move. Am I doing the right thing?! I made such a quick decision. I am ready for this. I need this and I CAN do this!!

Ok, it is now 1050 and speed is picking up. In the last 4 hours, we went to breakfast, Wal-mart, Target, Hobby Lobby and Bed, Bath and Beyond. I am waiting now for a husband and wife to come and get the rest of the stuff that I am giving away. They are donating it to their church. I am super happy about that. Hopefully another couple of hours and this will be done!

240 and FINALLY starting to load the car. The kitchen is finally done. Thank goodness. Turning on the radio and getting ready to jam out and get this done!

420 and Toria has been up in her room quiet for over an hour. I think Abhishek will be here soon to pick up a lot of stuff too. I need to go upstairs and get the desk and her bed and TV. I really don't want to bring any stuff down but I suppose I don't have much of a choice. LOL I have a few more little errands to run tomorrow and then I should be ready to go. I am procrastinating like crazy. Ok. Going to make a move now. Really. GO!

FIVE DAYS!

Holy cow. What a whirl-wind of a week it is going to be. Lots of decision making happened over the weekend and well, I am pretty damn pumped right now. The prospect of a surgical job came up and I have decided to jump on it. I will be moving back to the Austin area to start off and my intent is to end up down in the Houston Area.

This week will be spent packing, tying up loose ends and getting out of here. I am not sure how much I will get done today but, I am going to try to get all the laundry done and at least all the clothes packed. I was looking in my closet yesterday. Holy wow, I have more clothes than any one person should have. LOL I am going to take all the blankets to the laundry mat to wash because they would take forever to do here at home. I need to go buy boxes and make a move. Let's do this.

Jobs!

Boy,
There are jobs everywhere but everyone wants you to have a year of experience. I couldn't imagine the kind of future I would have if I had not passed my CST exam. It would suck. Because on top of finding a year, they all want the certification. It is not mandatory but highly desired.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This job search seems very unsettling right now. Ugh.

A New day and a New year. (Long)

June 13, 2009 will be a day that I will never forget. It started off like most normal days tho, this day was never going to be the same. I got up and was starting to get ready for work. I wanted so desperately for today to be just another day. I knew it wouldn't but I tried. I got dressed and pretended like I was going to work. I needed to go to work. I WANTED to go to work. The truth is, my life sucked and honestly, I wanted to die and to be frank, I was fairly certain that today was going to be just that day.

I got in my car and headed down I-25 - I came up to Surrey Ridge and started to swerve my car off the side of the road. I figured it would be the quickest way to go. A tumble down the side of a cliff. Rolling and hoping that my neck would snap and it would be done. I know this sounds morbid but, I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. The man of my dreams didn't want to be with me any longer. I couldn't find a job, I was living in my brothers basement, my big kids lived 950 miles away, I didn't think that I really had anything to smile about. I didn't. Then I heard a voice in my head. A teacher of mine who stated (just the week before) if someone could actually kill themselves, they have enough determination to be President. If you can kill yourself, really, you can do anything. Could I really do anything? I didn't think so but, was this really what I wanted to do to my kids and family. Of course not. Call me a chicken. I don't care. I couldn't do it. What I did do, turned my life around for the better. I drove down to the bottom of the hill and checked myself into Highlands Behavioral Health where I spent the next five days learning about myself, my new Bi-Polar II diagnosis and figuring out what I could do for me to make life right again. I wish I knew.

At HBH, I learned a lot of cool things. I made a lot of friends. I found people who were like me. Nothing to live for. Mental Health Diagnosis. I learned that I didn't have to do this alone. There was nothing wrong with me. The fact that someone didn't want me was their loss and not mine. I didn't do anything wrong and if HE couldn't tell me why he didn't love me anymore, that was a problem within himself, not something with me. And even if it WAS something with me, he should have been man enough to tell me what was wrong. I learned anger skills, coping mechanisms and how to deal with life. Just because I didn't have a lot, doesn't mean I don't have anything. It was going to be a long road but I was going to get there tho at this time, I had little hope.

I came to a cross roads with living with my brother and things were tense there so, I decided that I needed to get out of his house. It was not a productive place for me and I needed to figure something else out. I didn't know what but, I reached out to Highlands and they gave me a list of options. I went with Sacred Heart House. A shelter for single moms with kids. It probably wasn't the greatest idea I had but, it was all I had for now. It was not a bad place. I had my own room and bathroom. I could stay there for 30 days. I had a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it. I had to be out of the shelter every morning at 8am and could return no earlier than 4. It was the dead of summer and so warm. School had been back in session for 5 days and I needed to get back. I went in to work out the details of starting back. I was told plain and simply, I was not going to be allowed back. I had already missed 5 days of school, far past what was allowed. The next class was not to start again until November (it is only June), a set back I was not yet ready for. I lost it. I had to again dust myself off and figure out what I was going to do. I started going to the Mental Health Center of Denver seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. I started to take a Anger Management Class. I found a place called The Gathering Place. They fed my daughter and I breakfast and lunch every day. We found lots of things to do during the day. I looked for a job, housing and ways to keep ourselves busy. After about 2 weeks of being in the shelter, I was approached by the director who asked me if I was interested in joining their housing program. They only have 6 locations but one was open and they saw with my drive and determination I was a perfect candidate for the program. My rent would only be 30% of my income which worked well because 30% of nothing was.....nothing! One thing off of my list of things to do. No longer looking for housing, Yeah! I still needed a job. Was seeing my therapist 1 time per week and my psychiatrist once a month. I was on Lithium and fairing well. Lithium gave me ZERO emotion. I didn't get excited about anything but, I didn't really get sad about anything either. I guess it was good. It served its purpose for the time I needed it. My therapist felt that working was probably not in my best interest at this time so, she wrote me off from work. I was a little upset about that but, I understood.

I left the shelter on July 17 and moved into my new home. A cute 2 bedroom townhouse in Southeast Denver. I love it! For the next few months, all I did was work on me. It was hard. Dealing with no more school, dealing with the loss of a person that meant the world to me, dealing with my bi-polar, dealing with my children, just dealing with life on a day to day basis seemed so hard. I knew if I wanted to make strides with my life, I needed to just survive every day. I did. My life was Therapy, anger management, medication and smile. Not a routine I wanted but dealt with it.

On November 9, I started back to school. A day that I was so waiting for, for 5 months. I walked into the classroom only to feel like an outcast in a new school. 11 of the 13 students that were in my class had been together for the last 6 months. They new each other. I was like an outsider trying to fit into some clique I was not welcome too. I had Jourdan, my saving grace. As time went on, things got better with the classmates, just not my instructor. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown the first 2 weeks of returning. I waited so long to come back but was now not sure if I had come back too soon. Maybe I should have waited a little longer. I didn't know. I knew I had it in me to finish, I just didn't know where to search for her. In time, I would find her. The next couple of weeks proved good. On Thanksgiving day, after 5 months of Lithium, I was ready to come off of it. Most did not think that it was a good idea but, my Psychiatrist agreed to allow a trial and since I told her that I was not stopping because I didn't want to be on meds just that I didn't feel this one was working any more, she said ok. I have a stash of lithium in my Kitchen and if at any time I feel like I need to start it again, I will but to date, I have never felt better.

I struggled a bit over the holidays. My father died on Christmas day in 1990 and it has always been a troubled time but, I got thru it. I just kept plugging along. I finished with the didactic portion of my schooling on February 24. I failed my check offs and had to re-mediate. My second check-off was such a disaster, I was SURE I failed (this is a COMMON feeling for me!) Alas, tho I didn't do well, I was passed thru and told I had made a lot of improvements and that I was ready to move on to the Clinical portion of schooling. I started on March 8, 2010 and ended on June 3, 2010. It was a wonderful experience. As you know, on Monday June 7, 2010, I took the hardest test of my life. My National Certification Board Exam. Over the course of the week, I came to terms that I did not do well on this exam and that I would have to study hard over the course of the next six weeks and re-take it as soon as I could. Statistics show that people do better if they take the exam within 3 months of graduation. On Friday I found out that I passed my exam. The proudest moment of my life.

All this which leads me up to today is....I can not believe all that I have been thru. I have had my heart broken, and stepped on. I wanted nothing more than to die, I wanted to educate myself. I wanted to find housing and stand on my own two feet. I just wanted the old Lesa back. I just wanted to live a normal life. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to be in love. I just wanted to be normal.

Today - I am not all of those things. But I am getting there. I love life. I love me. I love who I am, where I am going and where I have been. Life is good. Its hard to believe a year ago today I wanted nothing more than to die and today, I want nothing more than to live!

Life is good and God is even Better!

Wow.

So, today was a great day. I am kind of getting tired of looking at Vagina's so, today I decided that I was going to try to find something new and fun to do. There was nothing fun going on in The Spine and Total Joint Center so, I decided to venture up to L&D to see if there were any C-sections going on. There were!! I got to stand in on two of them today! In between the two cases, I went back down to the total joint center and got to witness a total hip replacement. The patient was so funny. He was a 60 something year old man that hopefully was getting some of his youth back. He was singing the bear necessities to me. Clearly, his pre-op meds were kicking in. He was too cute.

All in all, it was a great day. Went back to school, signed loan paperwork and found out that my school finally wrote off the last $2500 that I owed. Incredible. It really was a great day!

Interesting Docs!

Today was a great day. I did a total Shoulder and a total knee. For the first time, I say a doctor flip off his assistant, not once but twice AND told him he had shit for brains. It was hilarious. He flipped off my preceptor too and in turn my preceptor flipped off me. It doesn't seem as funny when I type it but if you would have been there, it was hilarious.

I am getting more and more confident every day. I feel good. Like I was supposed to do this job. Life is good.

What a Whirlwind it has been!!

The last month has been a pretty amazing time. I have seen guts and intestines, the inside of someone's brain and a whole lot of other stuff. I wanted very much to blog on a daily basis but, I am just too tired. My case range has been crazy- anywhere from Gyn stuff to urology from Brain surgery to total knees! I have seen a thyroid removed and put my fingers on someones trachea. I touched a carotid artery pulsing away in someones neck. I am fascinated and amazed on a daily basis. I know that I gross people out sometimes and I don't mean too. It is not that I want to - I am just so excited about all that I am doing every day so, apologies to you if you are one of the ones that I have grossed out.

I have decided to move forward with my education and enter the Surgical Assisting Program. I am looking very forward to it and am super excited. I need to find another surgeon to sign off on my skills and I am fairly certain that I know who it is. I need to find out tomorrow when she will be at the hospital next and chat with her then!!

Ok. Going to try to blog more often, not that I have anything that excited that anyone really wants to hear about it but, I like trying to keep tabs on my own life since I feel like it is flying by in front of me - without me. LOL

What a week!

Wow,
What a wonderful week I had!! I am so proud of myself. What an amazing place the OR is going to be and I am only working on the little things!! In this week, I have definitely decided that I am SOOOO NOT an ENT person. I can do the tubes in the ears but, tonsils and nose stuff is just NOT for me!!

I started off the week on Tuesday with my new site - That has been such a blessing.

On Wednesday - We really were not all that busy but, I got to stand in to two cataract surgeries (observed) and 2 trigger finger (middle finger) releases. Small - quick cases that were interesting but quick. I like Tracy - She is a great doc and helpful in my learning process!

On Thursday, it was insane. We hit the floor running at 630 and didn't stop until it was time to go home! What a crazy time! My first two cases was a PE Tubes. My instructor came in for the second one and stayed for that and then stayed in for a Septoplasty. I am feeling so much more confidence in myself as the days go on but, my instructor says I am still not aggressive enough. I think I have said this before but, I am so worried about upsetting or bothering my circulator, I freeze a bit sometimes but I do know that it is her job so, I need to just get out of that mentality. If I need something for my Surgeon, I just need to ask for it, I hesitate a lot and say excuse me and I am sorry to bother you because being polite is what we are taught to do however, somehow I need to get out of that mentality because if I need something for my surgeon - I need it. Of course, something always has to go wrong so, while prepping my back table and putting my knife blade on - my hand slipped and I cut my finger on the blade. Tore my glove and started bleeding! NICE. Of course my teacher was there - do expect anything less from me!?! LOL After the septoplasty, my instructor left and I relaxed a little bit!! I then did an umbilical hernia repair - that was interesting. I have only seen them done endoscopically and this one was open. After that, we did a palate lesion excision. That was weird. It seems weird using a bovie in the mouth and it looks quite painful but I guess it is pretty much the only way to get things out - in whole!! We then did a left subcutaneous mastectomy on a male for gynocomastia. That was interesting! Then we did a breast biopsy- that was interesting too. I guess everything is interesting these days!!

I left right away at 3 and headed over to Toria's school. She got suspended from school for fighting which is totally out of character for her. The social worker from the school said that at this age kids are just trying to figure out who they are and these types of things happen from time to time. I hope that it is a phase and she grows out of it, quickly. This is the second time in as many months I have had to go down and talk to her teacher regarding less than lady like behavior. One can hope this too shall pass.

Friday was another busy day. We started at about 9 and were busy all day. I started off with two tonsillectomies. That is a fairly easy procedure and quick. Then a sinuscope. After that, we did a trigger thumb release - I felt especially proud about this one. I was able to anticipate my surgeons needs and handed her a lot of what she needed before she even asked for it which was a nice feeling!! The last case we did was a tendon and nerve repair on a finger. That was amazing - micro stuff - so tiny. The needles and everything were so small!! I lost one needle on my table - thankfully, I found it. The last case of the day was canceled because she drank water so, instead of having a late day - we finished right on time!!

I went to a bbq at Cari's last night and we had a lot of fun. We had a few drinks and made a fire in the pit in the back yard. I got home around 900 and it was so nice to get out and visit with friends.

Today is supposed to be a beautiful day so, I rose early and am trying to get all the laundry and house chores done so that I can enjoy the day. I hope you do too!

New Site!

Today was a totally insane fun day! I got to my new site 30 minutes early. I was so excited and nervous. My preceptor is so nice and she really lets me do my thing. I was able to set up 3 back tables and did my first full instrument count. Not nearly as intimidating as I thought it might be.

My first case of the day was a Thigh Mass incision. My second case was a Pilonidal Cyst removal - you look that one up. The third one was an open inguinal hernia repair and the last case was a breast biopsy. I was busy and running around all day. All in all - It was a GREAT day but now, I am wiped!

Heading up to take a bath. I was supposed to go to the dentist today but, after getting a call that my daughter was suspended from school for fighting, and I had to go and pay rent, so, I picked up Papa Murphy's Pizza and now I am going to hop in the tub and head off to bed...early.

Crazy day!

Today I got into the OR bright and early. I arrived at 0630, dressed in my scrubs and reported to the OR. I began by opening my back table. I scrubbed in and it started from my preceptor already. He is a big and semi lazy kind of guy. He barks commands and makes me feel somewhere around 3 inches tall. He only "teaches" when my instructor comes around otherwise he is a pretty territorial animal. These are "his" docs and well, I don't get much time in the drivers chair. I have been there for almost 4 weeks and sadly, I don't feel as though I am getting an adequate training. I am going to a new facility starting on April 22 so, I am very excited about that. These are the cases I have scrubbed so far: (most of them at least a couple times)

Lumbar lamenectomy
Bilateral mastectomy with tissue implants
Knee Arthroscopy
Open reduction internal fixation of a Big Toe!
Ulnar nerve release with saphenous vein graft
laproscopic appendectomy
bilateral unguinal hernia repair
Toe Pinning
shoulder arthroscopy
percutaneous toe pinning
discectomy
Open reduction internal fixation of elbow
Carpal Tunnel release
ganglion cyst removal
neurectomy, CTR, Tendon lengthening (for contractures)

Doesn't seem very exciting and honestly, it really hasn't been all that much. I am nervous a lot and I don't get to get in there because my preceptor is a turd.

Today I was observed by my instructor during the Carpal Tunnel Release. I am not aggressive enough in the OR because I am so worried about someone being mean to me. I don't want to interrupt people when they are talking but, I am finding it is the nature of the business. I don't want to ask my cirruclator for things I don't need right this second if she is busy. I need to break from that mentality and speak up. I am so disappointed. I am normally a very aggressive (in a good way) person and for some reason, I am buckling under on this one. I don't get it. I WANT this. I NEED this. I NEED to get it together and quick. Please, give me the strength and the skills to get it together.

After lunch, I went in and observed in a dental case. A 7 year old girl on the OR table for "Dental Restoration". AKA - Don't have to brush my teeth if you don't make me......Now my teeth are ruined. Anyway, I understand that it is very hard for kids and it is even harder for the parents. The thing is, if your kid is about to go under for bad teeth, don't promise them SKITTLES when they wake up! Seriously?! Anyway, I realized today I know why I can't stand Dental Stuff. It doesn't have anything to do with the blood or the bad breath, its the saliva suction! BARF!! LOL

My day was over by 1 and then I headed back to my school. I had a great talk with my program director and she will hopefully have some good news to share with me and in turn will share with you!

Yeah!

Six weeks later and lots of things have changed! LOL Sometimes I think that my life should be a show. A freak show! LOL On Feb 27, 2010 I got my gallbladder out. I was home resting for 9 days and then I started my externship for school. I don't have much to say right now but, the next few weeks are going to get exciting.

The ER

So, I guess this is day 1. What can I get myself into today that might be fun or interesting? Well, definitely never a dull moment. Toria and I had a nice Valentines day. We went downtown Denver to BD Mongolian BBQ for lunch then went to Wal-Mart and then home - Rebels, I know. Well, after we got home, I started having a very bad pain in my right upper quadrant. I have had this pain before and my doctor and I have been discussing what it could be and even gave me a blood test order but, I never did it. So, I decided it was bad enough that I would go to the ER. It is very uncomfortable - I got in and was seen very quickly. They did a UA, took blood, a US and 12 lead EKG. All of my blood work came back "Normal" but, my US was not. He said there is a polyp in my Gall Bladder and the only way to check to see if it is cancerous is to well, just remove the whole darn thing so, I will be scheduling that next week some time. Great. Any of my scrub friends want to scrub in? LOL. I also found out that I have a "Very Fatty Liver" nice. They say it happens USUALLY from Obesity (doi) and drinking. Well, I am not, nor have I been, in YEARS, a drinker so....I guess this is my wake up call to get this weight OFF! Well, I need motivation...I guess this will be it.

What can I get into tomorrow? Can only get better from here, it can't get worse!